Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
