he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
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I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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