I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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