and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
