Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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