My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
