DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
