Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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