First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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