I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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