I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
