apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
