I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Did I show you my penis last night?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
