if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
