he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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