if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
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And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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