I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
