I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
