My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
