Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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