On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
