If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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