I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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