I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
