if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
