i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
