I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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