I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
