Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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