While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
