i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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