he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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