just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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