i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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