she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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