my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
