her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just tell him i said nine months
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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