I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
