I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
