Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
