Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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