Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
