and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
