I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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