Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
