We got so high we made milksteak
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
