Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
