Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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