You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
