So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
