yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
50% drunk capacity currently
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
