I am spending my child support on dildos
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
