Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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