is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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