dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
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Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize