I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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