how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I supernannyed him into submission
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
