When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize